blog archives

favorite blogs
Deirdre's
Nick's
Edentree's
My journal

contact...
Say hi to me. I'd love to hear from you.

Slow Suicide

Will this be another slow suicide?
The words escape me, I'm gasping for breath.
The silence coils around me like a tourniquet.
Quelling my passion like death by drowning,
I grope and gasp and cry out with no words.
Please tell me I'll die this time, please.
I can't go on living a slow suicide.
posted by megan 1:55 PM

Sometimes I don't know why I was thrown into this life. This world is one I don't belong to, I never have. I feel like all I'm colorblind to everyone's half truths and self justifications and all I can see when I look around are broken hearts and shattered dreams waiting for God to pour out His living water and show people that there is life living in truth. But thats why I'll never belong. I can spend hours just sitting by myself, staring at the ocean crashing over rocks and feel my heart cry with each crashing, never feeling alone because I'm looking at and enveloped by God's Creation. Nature is a reflection of His majestic love.

I've been told I have beauty, but I will never see it. All I know is that in Christ's eyes, I am His. I will never find fulfillment from throwing myself down at the altar of this world, selling my soul for a second's worth of gratification and a lifetime of sorrow.

I don't know if there will come a day when I can lay down my sword and just weep until I can finally rest. It seems all I can do in this life of mine is ask God to give me the strength I don't have and I am always so weary.

I know that I love, but maybe I love too much. I love with everything I am, everything I have or don't have, for which I ask Christ. And it seems I am perpetually torn. Pleading with God once again to trade me beauty for ashes.
posted by megan 12:38 PM

Whole in the Emptiness

Each time I die and lose a part of that fragile soul I once had, I learn that I can be more whole than I ever was if I allow Christ to fill the missing pieces in my heart. I've never been enough for this life, but I was enough to die for in my most depraved state. I can't say I'll never long for affirmation, but I do know that I have all I need in Christ when I am willing to seek it from him. I realized after years of bruising my soul by my perceived inadequacy that this is all I need and I've finally found peace in it. Sometimes I still mourn the loss of who I once was. Someone who knew pain and suffering, but had parts of my heart untouched by it. Perhaps I always will, but I do know this: that God is making a new thing, it springs up, do you not perceive it? He is making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland... How else could there be a path for Living Water in my life if it weren't broken at all?
posted by megan 6:45 PM

"See what is invisible and you will see what to write." A Love Song for Bobby Long

It looks so empty, but you can see the lines between my writing.
I'm resolute to let you know there's something in the silence.
I'll draw the shadows if you can trace the sun,
but don't close your eyes in the searching.
Is there an edge to the pages we turn,
or do we just get lost in the madness?
posted by megan 10:24 PM

My Broken Sisters

Sometimes all we've held is a loss in the palm of our hand.
The empty aching and the days that never end.
I hear you crying, you're alone and longing...
Only we know what its like to be robbed of what you are through the losses of another.
The pieces of him that he lost over there... All the things you'll never have or longed to feel.
The pain of death sometimes sharpens the joy of what we do have, shimmering in the light of a love we must live in black and white, never knowing when the next moment will end.
I wish I could say it won't always be this way. That we can wake up one day and be like everyone else.
But you know who we carry with them, who will never walk this imperfect earth again, their memory never fades.
We live like this, pouring out our tears alone, holding each other up though we're depleted, and watching a faraway land of suffering float through our love's eyes so that you will be robbed of nothing.
And that will never be a loss.

Military wives
posted by megan 1:11 AM

It fell on my tear-soaked shoe, dazzling me with its tender petals brought alive by the sun.
I smiled and looked up to its heavenly home, now abandoned as a result of its soft decline.
Spring filtered down on me and I realized how long it had been since I'd lifted my eyes higher than this;
up to our Maker, the one who created us with love and planned this happenstance long before then.
Someone told me that I was young before and I laughed until I looked in their eyes and saw it was true.
There are times I let go for just long enough to remember that life is more than just surviving the pain.
I can lift my eyes and see the light before it falls to shadows. It is faithful each day.
Maybe I won't see the holes this time, I'll trip and fall and I'll hurt again, but at least I can watch as hope streams down to lift my heart heavenward.
posted by megan 11:47 PM

Each time we die we learn to live again.
-Unknown
posted by megan 2:49 AM

How can you tell him what I am when you haven't bought the rights?
I saved myself for him, then fell into his arms, and for once I felt whole.
Now you're stripping that from me and leaving me naked in the shadows of your so called maturity.
I never felt more ashamed to open up to one person with such raw vulnerability than when you found me there and tore me apart.
You think you have the licence to barge into what God made whole, but you're the "no man", honey and you can tear me apart, but not us.
Because I made the choice to withstand your damage but I refuse to suffer the losses of what is mine.
So call that jealousy or choose to look in the Word you're throwing in my face and find your place at the feet of Christ and not over the head of his children.
posted by megan 2:28 AM

I can't stop it, my heart is falling down into the hollow that fills me.
Tears are out of reach and food has no taste. Sometimes I feel so lost.
I'm searching for a reason to stop the slipping. Catch me before I fall.
I just don't know why I always carry this damage, will I ever be free?
Some people think I'm perfect, so I must hide my tears beneath my skin.
posted by megan 2:14 AM

home